By Christine Lorraine Morgan
Nothing paints a delicious gray-scale landscape like a juicy old movie, and the older the better. If you watch enough film classics, over time, there are certain common cinematic denominators which begin to surface.
This film-inspired list of humorous observations might be amusing to those who are captivated by watching vapor-prone ladies of yesteryear, or who revel in observing silver-screen men engage in aggressive sword-fighting and random pillaging.
With that in mind, enjoy this unofficial list and see how many of your own observations you can add to this comedic collection.
1. If a woman is considered “loose,” a muted trumpet will play sexy music during her scenes.
2. Artists wear berets and live eccentric Bohemian lifestyles.
3. Police shoot at you if you run away from them. Period.
4. If there’s a sweeping staircase someone will a) fall down it painfully or b) slide down it playfully or c) both, but usually not in the same scene.
5. “Dick” means detective.
6. “Gay” means happy.
7. As heard in squad cars, police dispatchers are male and hold their noses when they speak.
8. Live telephone operators are shapely, pretty and prone to listen in on private conversations.
9. “Swell” means neat-o, keen, cool or to be admired and has no sexual connotations.
10. Taxi drivers speak with either New York City or Boston accents.
11. If someone is of Italian heritage, their mother is overweight.
12. Getting “stoned” or “high” means drinking too much.
13. Waitresses are flirtatious, sassy and usually available.
14. People who are “absent-minded” do not take ADD meds.
15. Doctors come to your house to treat you and if you’re really broke, you can pay them with small live animals.
16. Trains go to every town, everywhere.
17. “Making love” means saying romantic things out loud.
18. If a girl gets pregnant without being married, it means that her immediate family members, distant relations, close friends, and anyone she ever talked to will live out their lives in ruin and disgrace.
19. If you stare at Betty Davis close up long enough she will kiss you.
20. You could get arrested and sent to jail for what is known as “shacking up” in today’s terminology.
21. All men wore hats.
22. No one went to the bathroom. Ever.