If History Repeats Itself, then picture this……A Newfangled Trojan Horse – Can you imagine the United States constructing a big hollow wooden eagle filled with storm troopers? We could wheel it up to the Great Wall of Somewhere and knock really hard.

“Who is it?” a foreign voice asks from behind impenetrable layers of brick.

“Candy gram,” replies our chief trooper.

Coarse whispering erupts. After several tense seconds the accented voice says, “Ah ha, candy gram. Now that’s a horse of a different color. Come on in!”

The thick gate opens, the eagle gets in, the troopers pour out and conquer the country. Within hours, the U.S. begins building its next project: A large wooden maple leaf designed to discombobulate Canada.

…Helen of Troy Equivalent – What about Helen of Troy? Her face was so beautiful that it supposedly launched a thousand ships. Like you, I have many questions about this alleged event:

1. How and where were the ships positioned?

2. How did they know exactly when launch time was?

3. How were they able to see Helen’s face to the point where they were motivated to set sail?

4. To what destination did they sail? Were they trying to circumnavigate the globe or attempting to circumvent the her beauty?

5. Who built this plethora of ships? Did they all belong to the same country, or did other countries participate?

How many ships do you think Bush’s face would launch? Hillary’s is worth at least a speed boat and two dinghies. If we were going to look for a face to launch a thousand ships in today’s times, we’d probably have to hire a celebrity mug, somebody like Cher or Madonna. Each of them should be good for a couple of drunken sailors.

We could really go to extremes and use the image of yours truly. The only problem with this plan is that it could send the nation into a state of alert as naval forces around the world stand by to begin firing.

One of the positive aspects of launching a thousand ships in today’s technologically traumatized society is that all the skippers could see the beautiful woman’s face on a screen in front of them. Thus it would be much easier to choreograph. We could even hire Ester Williams-y aquatic dancers and show them on a split screen swimming around in the gulf with the ship-launching babe. That would be enough to gear up any self-starting salt.

I wonder if the same guy who wrote about Helen and her thousand ship affiliation is the same guy who said that a picture saves a thousand words. He should have distributed pictures of Helen and saved the world’s ancient navies a great deal of unnecessary effort.

…Snug as a Cleopatra in a rug – Let’s contemplate the wiles of Cleopatra. She was supposedly as beautiful as she was brilliant, a theory which was proven by the way she snuck in to see Caesar. To get into his room, she rolled herself up inside of a carpet and had it delivered to Caesar’s palace (before it was relocated to Vegas).

When the carpet was unrolled at Caesar’s feet, Cleopatra stretched invitingly on the floor before him. He was totally overcome with desire and immediately gave his Secret Service men the night off.

From that point forward, it was all downhill for Caesar. He abandoned his homeland, Rome, and was eventually assassinated by his fellow politicians. And it all started with a sexy chick in a rug. As for Cleo, we all know that she kicked some royal asp on her way out of political office.

Applying this tactic to modern times, which drop-dead gorgeous woman should we roll up in a fine piece of Berber, and to whom should we send this alluring rug?

Should we send Sharon Stone in her Basic Instinct dress to O’Bama?

Or deliver Janet Reno in a swimsuit to melt Al Gore?

Or perhaps we should just cross our fingers, hope for the best, and send Lassie to the White House to sniff around the Bushes?

Now let’s contemplate a puzzling potpourri of historical ponderings:

* When will it be popular for women to once again look like the 300-pound “nymphs” depicted in very old paintings? I can’t wait. Please call me immediately when this change erupts so I can get excited about my heftiness.

* Will powdered wigs ever make a comeback? If this possibility exists, where can I get one? How soothing it would be to awaken every morning and decide which white-haired doo will do for the day. It will be such a relief to tuck my monthly hair styling money into a rainy day account. That way, when it rains, I’ll have the necessary funds to buy a gallon or two of gas if I continue to save up for a couple of years.

* When can we expect to see men revert to their loin cloth roots? Oh wait, I think this one is already underway. Just drive down Suburban Lane some sunny Saturday afternoon and observe the way men dress when they are mowing the lawn. Or undress, as the case may be. If women stripped
down to nothing but a pair of shorts to perform lawn work, every squad car in the area would rush across town answer that complaint. No double standards here.

* How long before we do away with prisons and just build lots of stockades in downtown metropolitan areas? We can also reinstate the Quaker-esque sentence of “Public Humiliation” for simple infractions. “Here Johnny, just stick your head in this hole and put your hands up here.” And no, that’s not a line from your favorite blue flick.

* What would happen if another Robin Hood type of character were to emerge from the Pennsylvania woods? He would march courageously into the 42nd National Bank with his band of crudely clad merry men, the security cameras would record lots of juicy footage, and the police would be in front of the bank confiscating the gang’s horses before the frightened teller could cough up 20 pieces of eight.

If history does repeat itself, it’s just a matter of time until pyramids start populating DC. Only this time the Sphynx will be smirking surreptitiously because they will be in pentagonal formats.