Christine’s Chronicles: Politics Vs. Prostitution – the World’s True Oldest Profession Has “politics” Written All Over It


These Two Professions Have Been Around Throughout the Eons – but Which is Truly Older?

Christine Lorraine

To back the assertion that politics is more ancient than prostitution, let’s first take a historical gander at what the world’s very first political rally might have looked like shortly after man began walking upright.


“Unahooga!” shouts Brgh. The chant “Brgh Unahooga!” echoes throughout the velvety green valley where Brgh’s tribe settled four snow seasons ago.

Loosely translated, “unahooga” means “elect” in CroMagnon-ese.

Elections were held after every fruit harvest, and the lucky prehistoric person whose trees sprouted the most fruit usually had the best chance of being selected “chrymnn.” To these early grunters, the “chrymnn” was the head honcho, the ultimate ruler, the literal leader of the proverbial pack. The larger the chrymnn’s harvest, the more their popularity soared, especially as the snow piled up outside of the cave’s cozy stoniness. That’s when cavemen crawled out of the granite woodwork to sidle up to the chrymnn to get a mouthful of something to sustain life.

The chrymnn’s generosity could make or break his tribe’s survival. When these cave-dwellers became hungrier and hungrier as winter’s wrath progressed, they would scurry over to the chrymnn’s tableau and hover silently, hands extended outward. This was the standard stance for those desperate enough to beg for one or two fruits to tide them through until the next fish could be plucked from the nearby stream.

Brgh’s jaw tightened as his intense gaze moved from the adoring crowd before him to the opposing end of the broad cave. There was enough daylight streaming in from the front entrance boulders for him to see his most formidable opponent, Mghrx, as he rapidly shook his thick, hairy fist through the somewhat stale air. He know that slithering slime was over there trying to convince their not-so-sharp kinsmen that his harvest was bigger than Brgh’s, and that he should continue to hold the prestigious post of chrymnn.

Brgh’s chipped, yellow teeth emerged in a sarcastic grimace as his capable, yet primitive brain formulated a plan to ensure his victory. He would engage Mghrx’s followers into following him to his tableau, where he could prove that he had more fruits than Mghrx.

Brgh had been struggling for the past four years to coax an inordinate amount of delicious fruits from his trees, and this year his efforts had paid off. His trees had shed twice as many fruits as anyone else’s, and Brgh was as ecstatic as a frog when a large fly lands on its outstretched tongue.

Every sense in his hair-covered body was stimulated, and adrenalin was pumping through his constrained capillaries at the notion of being chosen as the valley’s ultimate authority.

If Brgh’s speech had been fully developed, he would have shouted to those listening to his opponent that his fruits were bigger, juicier, firmer, and he had more to share than Mghrx. Instead, Brgh jumped menacingly from his elevated rock, and dashed to the other side of the cave.

He gestured angrily to the wide-eyed onlookers, and waved his burly right arm toward his sleeping slate. He wanted them to follow him so that he could show them how much more nourishing and plentiful his fruit was compared to what the incumbent Mghrx had to offer.

The opposing crowd just stared blankly at Brgh, then turned their attention back to Mghrx, who was laughing at Brgh’s feeble effort to steal his electoral voting body.

* * * * *

This possible ancient scenario illustrates the point that humans have been choosing which humans to follow since the dawn of time.

Conversely, during caveman days, did women “sell” sex to benefit themselves? This author doubts it. The act of prostitution would have been a slippery slope to climb back then. Thinking about it more closely, we are able to determine that the female of the human species couldn’t really put on slutty clothes to attract men because they didn’t have much variety to their wardrobes back then.

And how much would she charge? Two apples for missionary style, three for something a little more creative? One can only wonder what two nuts and a good solid banana might have been worth.

Another unanticipated problem loose cavewomen faced was extreme difficulty in fixing their hair or makeup to induce their male counterparts into paying for pleasure. Even if they did find a comb-like branch for their matted head fur or red berry juice to enhance their scabby lips, the real problem surfaced when they needed to see themselves in the mirror, as there was no such thing. They would need to abandon their offspring, then scavenge until they found a still pool of water just to see their own reflection.

Above and beyond everything else that thrusts this point home is the notion that caveguys did not need to pay for sex. All one needed was a large club, an unattached female, and voila! Free sex!

Thus, it is fair to assume that while cavemen were probably politicking, cavewomen were not yet selling sex.

Moving forward, when the Romans were holding down the fort around xx B.C., political stirrings were evident. By this time, women had finally figured out how to get paid for ecstasy. Hanging out at the public pool in a peek-a-boo toga could really capture a Roman soldier’s undivided attention.

Politically, there may not have been elections by the masses because the political climate centered around a “support-me-or-die” approach to leadership. However, for a Roman citizen to get a really good government job, one might consider wearing a bit of brown on the tip of his renowned Roman nose. Thus politics were conducted on a more personal level.


“Hail Barak O’Caesar, Leader of Rome!”

Joe Bidentavious shouted these words of triumph with every fiber of his being. Because O’Caesar had conquered Rome’s predecessor, Bushtavious Caesar, Bidentavious had been guaranteed the #2 slot as Vice Caesar.

Bidentavious had invested decades of his career to the Roman Senate, and felt as though this new, elevated status was long overdue. He admired Barak O’Caesar, and had spoken passionately about him throughout their united campaign to overthrow Bushtavious.

Bidentavious smirked victoriously as he stood next to Barak O’Caesar, and they waved to the stream of humanity that spanned the road leading to the White Palace. Tens of thousands cheered at the change of command because the citizens of Rome were expecting great things from their new leader.

Relieved that O’Caesar was now holding the Roman reins, Bidentavious was secretly plotting his next move. He understood and accepted the fact that he lacked the razor-sharp strategic edge that one needed to emerge victorious from the bloody battle of conquering Rome. He also knew that Barak O’Caesar possessed that undeniable militaristic quality.

His plan all along had been to help O’Caesar overthrow Bushtavious because he knew the only way he could become Rome’s #1 gun was to ride in on someone else’s coattails.

Now that he was number 2, Bidentavious was already planning out a subversive intelligence mission that would propel him into the number 1 slot. There were a few high-ranking guards who were willing to help him fulfill this goal if they knew there would be executive governmental jobs waiting for them.

And so possibly went the politics just a couple of short millennia ago.

To conclude, Prostitution emerged as a profession somewhere between cavemen and ancient Rome, probably after clothes, makeup and hair care products were invented. In pre-historic times, men did not need to pay for sex, so it’s obvious that prostitution did not exist that far back.

Politics started eons prior to prostitution. It is man’s nature to either lead or follow, so someone had to do the leading at the dawn of mankind. You can bet that someone else was trying to take that job away. It just follows suit that if someone was aspiring to become the leader, they would have needed to employ persuasive tactics to earn popular support.

And isn’t that the definition of politics?

About xtinethewriter

* Freelance Writer Xtraordinaire * Producer of 300+ youtube videos * Cellist and bassist * Over 4,000 photos on Google maps viewed 300,000,000 times * Army veteran stationed in Bangkok, Thailand * Creative director for and * Former Advertising Executive, REALTOR, TV Producer, and Majority Inspector of Elections for Millcreek's 5th Ward, Erie County, PA. Also check out and * See her complete video collection at:
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