Christine’s Chronicles: What Songs Might Have Been on the Beatles’ Next Album? Pure Humorous Speculation


Humor Fantasy Piece: Had the Fab Four Endured Just a Bit Longer, What Might They Have Done Next?

Christine Lorraine

“It’s a bloody damn good bloody ‘ell of a gathering of great songs,” chimed the fab Four’s rhythm foundation, Ringo “Tonedeff” Starr. “I gave it me all,” he added. “Laaanaa,” he crooned, then shook his head sharply. “Sorry mate, I lost me bearings for a minute. Stop by me cave later and we’ll give it a listen. ”

John Lennon’s follow-up to “Instant Karma” also surfaces within the grooves of this triple-decker vinyl anthology. Titled “Instant Coffee,” its lyrics carry deep ramifications for the UK’s working class:

“Instant Coffee’s gonna wake you

Gonna slap you right on the arse

Better brew it up now darlin

Gotta get to work fast… ”

The album culminates by triggering a rumor that Paul was alive and well:

I watched “Jack Parr” today oh boy

I heard McCartney singing on the air

My telly’s picture turned all gray

I could not turn the channel

Even though the static covered up what they were tryin to say

I want to tu-uh-ur-uh-urn you o-o-o-o-o-off

Other hits included but not featured on this triple-album zinger:

* He broke in through the Bedroom Window

* I am the Baby Seal (look look at you, koo koo koo chee koo)

* There Goes The Moon

* When I’m 94

* Move B. F. Fields Forever

* Evolution Number Nineteen

* Green Mrs. Ketchup

* L in our Figtree

* I Saw Her Under Wear

* Lovely Freda Upstairs Maid

* Say Bullfrog

* Back in the Soviet Union

* Get Jacked

* Got to Get You Out Of My Life

* Fizzy Miss Whizzie

* Drive My Semi

* Any Thyme At All

* The Fight Before

* The Long and Winding Thruway

* Everybody’s Trying to Steal My Baby

* So Gnarlin’

* Hey Prude

* I’m So Wired

* Fellow “Bub” Marine

* Hard Dave’s Night

* Doctor Pepper’s Phoney Card Club

As a footnote. . .

. . .It might be difficult to believe, but the foursome even let Yoko Ono own one tiny piece of black vinyl real estate on the “Blank Album.” It is titled, “I Feel Your Silence Near Me While My Foot Is Sleeping On The Outskirts Of Town.” Oddly enough, the only sound you hear during this 3:21 tear-jerker is the nauseating noise of Yoko blowing her nose.

Rumor has it that this honking non-hit is the follow up to her previous flip-side sleeper single, “Don’t Worry Yoko Mommy’s Only Looking For Her Hand In The Snow,” where her nasalized, unmelodic nonsensical chant traumatizes all who sit through its entirety.



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